HUB Donuts are donuts. Conveniently located in the HUB.
The Holland Union Building, also known as the "HUB," contains the cafeteria for Dickinson College and CTY Carlisle. This cafeteria, in turn, contains food. Included in the category of "food" are the HUB donuts. This is exciting because the HUB donuts are wonderful. Having tasted them and been enamoured by their scrumptious flavor, one adventurous CTYer came to the conclusion that they weren't just good, or even really good. They were orgasmically good.
Our CTYer, having had the "birds and the bees" talk, knew that the concept of "orgasm" was intimately related to the concept of "sex." If the HUB donuts were really orgasmically good, they had to be related to sex. He made a daring hypothesis.
- HUB donuts are sex.
Specifically, he claimed that the HUB donuts were gustable manifestations of sexual activity, thus accounting for their extremely satisfying qualities. This was further corroborated by the fact that he had been struck by an urge to actually make out with a donut he had been eating toward the end of the session. Everything was falling into place.
However, further discoveries were in store. Since the donuts at the HUB were many and varied, in looks, taste, and tastiness, he theorized that each donut represented a different kind of sexual activity, with a corresponding level of orgasmic sensation. Thus, he deemed it necessary to classify each donut by the activity it represented, and moved from there. He began with his favorite, chocolate coconut, deemed that it must be a threesome (because two is always better than one, just like coconut is always better than a lack of coconut) and went from there.
But not all was well. He noticed that some of his so-called friends were indulging in donuts which, for lack of a better word, could only be deemed "disgusting", such as vanilla iced with peanuts. Therefore, he deemed that such donuts were symbols of sexual perversion, such as incest and bestiality, since... well, come on guys. Vanilla with peanuts. That's nasty.
A list was formulated by that CTYer, of the wondrous pastries and all they represented. Now, from Philip Ippy Chowzor himself, the Great List of Donut Sexuality.
Sexual Cool Things that are Smiled upon by the Gods
- Chocolate Icing: Threesome (changed after the elevation of chocolate with coconut to "orgy")
- Chocolate Icing with Coconut: Orgy (because it's that darn tasty)
- Vanilla Icing: Quickie (just plain vanilla, you know?)
- Vanilla Icing with Chocolate Splotches: Phone Sex
- Chocolate Icing with Vanilla Splotches: Cyber Sex
- Chocolate Icing with Rainbow Sprinkles: Lesbian Sex
- Vanilla Icing with Rainbow Sprinkles: Gay Sex
- Chocolate Icing with Chocolate Sprinkles: Kinky Sex
- Vanilla Icing with Chocolate Sprinkles: Tangent Sex
- Vanilla Icing with Coconut: Doggie Style
- Strawberry Icing: Sex with Furries (because Strawberry Icing with Peanuts is Bestiality)
- Ckrullers [sic]: S/M, because they're so twisted
- The Salad Bar in Which the Donuts Reside: A Pimp, as it contains and dispenses donuts, although not for money.
- Bagels: Masturbation, because they are almost as good, but ultimately a cheap imitation of Donuts. (However, since HUB Bagels are neither bagels nor good, they qualify by some standards as a lack of sex.)
Sexual Perversions that are not Smiled upon by the Gods
- Chocolate Icing with Peanuts: Incest
- Vanilla Icing with Peanuts: Pyronecrobestiality
- Strawberry Icing with Peanuts: Normal Bestiality
- Maple Icing with Peanuts: Verily, this is an Abomination Terrible to Behold.